A question I always ask myself is ‘Why’ This could apply to any given situation through my history, my life or Earth’s history. As many know I love to research but I also love to research how far my own feelings define me as a 41 year old lad from Scotland. See my life was never easy but I felt it was. It is very hard to explain. Where there should have been hurt, pain and more, there was not. I sometimes challenged myself to have feelings and all along I did, I just denied myself ‘Feelings’
I told my story once and I will share it here. The reason for this article being about me and not news is because I really do hope I can get more friends, understand people better and understand our World better. The link below I did (Thanks Mel x) on Deliberate Donkay. A family member replied in the comments, kinds odd I thought at the time, the feel of the reply, but it made it more real a person in my history replying.
This is my story: http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/murder-and-more-through-the-eyes-of-a-child/
I grew up in a bad place, a bad area of town I now know to be bad, at the time I thought was heaven, at the time being a kid, I knew no better, it was my existence. Not until you walk away from something do we see it for what it is, not what we hoped or thought. I am called a ‘Writer’ these days but don’t see myself as such. People in my life will say ‘Oh Shaun you are a writer now’ In an instant I think ‘No I am not’ But I guess I am in some form. Had someone told me I was doing this at this moment in time in my life 20 years ago I would have done a bad deed. This was my life for a long time. I had a dysfunctional family, we were loved but hurt was always there, I guess young Shaun to the left in that boat refused to see or feel the hurt.
This is ‘Ace News Services’ and I know many will be thinking “This isn’t news” Well let me explain this. Why I write this today. I want to help Ace News become global, this is my Editors design and I follow his lead, it’s why I closed ‘Shauny News’ with almost 1,000,000 (1 Million) hits in 5 months. See I never cared for ‘Well done’ or ‘Congratulations’ I guess I hate flattery. I have asked many times why this is and I always come back to the answer ‘Other people helped’ and this is true. If you are reading and you write also then isn’t what you write inspired by others? It is never about numbers of for me, it’s about quality. Quality over quantity. But for people to understand why I write as I do, I must share why I came to be today.
I am disabled now, yes I know, ‘Boo Hoo’ So I have time to sit and think and I am not my best company. What I mean is I get bored being alone, I am not good company for myself. Over time I found a source of company that many call ‘God’ and that is my source of not being alone. Many will go to Church or Read the bible or both, me? not yet I say. I have a relationship with God. I told my Mum the other day in a text, I don’t know if she believes me but I can only be me. The past can keep a person trapped in the past without them knowing or understanding. I let the past go, today I laugh, Smile and love life. Only when I am around certain people do I see the past again. I am trying to change this and I will. I just need time. Often a song can change us, define us, make us see something different, bring love to our door. This is my Song with my Partner. This song saved my life. My Partner showed me ‘Real Love’ a real life, a different life, a ‘Perfect Day’
Today I am no longer the tortured soul I once was after all the bad things I did. But I believe in Karma. I am in agony always, this is my Karma hurting me for the bad I did. I ask, what is your Karma? I am asking out loud not to one person. I said to a loved one, a person I would die for “You don’t know me” And I was right to say it, I said it in the wrong context. So I guess I should have said “We don’t know each other no more” But time heals all things I am sure of this. Only when we understand there are problems can we mend them. Sure I open my soul to the World a lot but I would rather be known for telling the truth, being Shaun and being honest. Why make yourself out to be something you ain’t? My 20 year old son left the family home 2 weeks ago now and I was deeply upset. A family member, saying what he felt needed said and meaning it in the right way said “Grow a pair” He may be right. But for me to change now would be an outcry on myself.
See, we are all alive, sadly some choose to become dead, dead to feelings, dead to the World and dead to themselves. I have never figured this out, but I will. I guess we all carry ourselves in a different way. Anyone with Fibro will know Fibro speaks for us sometimes. When stress happens, pain happens. For me to get people I truly love deeply to just understand that line, no more, no less, is hard. I need loved ones to know I smile, I am blessed, and I am happy. The past hauntes me, I can’t change the past so I don’t let it define me. It can haunt away, it won’t beat me. I can’t allow it. So here I am, love me, hate me, like me, struggle to understand me, whatever. Here I am!
This is Shaun, this is my life, this is why I write.
More love, less hate
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