When an artist has a stage to speak to thousands of people they often use it well, I am lucky enough to have such a stage to share my art. Writing is an art and so is music, so read on. I am sitting at 3am here after 5 days of early bed and up early to being up all night on my own. Fibro is killing me. My skin is burning, my ankles and hips feel broken, my back feels snapped, back of my neck and shoulders are gone I can’t turn my head. I can’t type a lot, need to stop typing. Volterol Gel and I have a relationship but I don’t think I will meet its parents over Christmas.
Funny I say that there are a few families I didn’t and won’t see over Christmas. Does it hurt? Not at all, I am used to it. I changed when Fibro changed me. The images I have added to this article were not done by me, I don’t know who to give credit to but they are telling the story I try and tell, same as the song below
I live an existence of loneliness. I have no need to feel lonely but Fibro makes my rules also the rules of anyone with Fibro. At this time of the year the last thing people with a Chronic Illness need is stress. See stress makes me angry and makes me sore. See the Shaun everyone knew when I was 25/30 years old is gone and put in his place is a man lost in a World where getting lost is real hard, I say that because often I want to vanish for a time, maybe be a fly on a wall somewhere. I smell rats very easy, I guess when we lose one sense we are given another, just something I have noticed on my travels as I get older
Often I think about just getting in my car and seeing what else life has to offer me, but I know I will come right back here to the people I love. I have not tried this ‘yet’ but I would be wasting my time right? If you read this and have Chronic pain life Fibro you will understand every word. Every word, sentence and paragraph will make sense. I am due medication so I am typing with free will. The thought of a new World scares me, the thought of dating scares me more. I have never lost in love nor asked a woman out as an adult, but something keeps asking me if I should try, anyway………..
Sadly the people we need to understand make our lives worse. They don’t mean it, in-fact they are blissfully unaware of what they do to us. I don’t hold a candle to anyone and judge it’s not my way. But are there days I feel like I want to escape this pain? Sadly yes, in a bad way, but I can’t do that, the pain would allow it in a heartbeat however so I ignore the pain. I know many who are like me, in agony, alone, sad, depressed, I am just agony with the odd visit from Sad, Alone and Depressed and have no other choices, the choice I have ends my pain and brings pain to others. We don’t get choice we get what is on offer every day. My reality on paper is good but in reality it annoys me. The dysfunctional nature of what I call family has been a constant but I am not alone, I don’t think we all need a Disability to feel the way I do. Lately I have become distant with a woman I thought I would never be distant with. She says things that hurt me, she speaks to others, surely knowing I get to hear about it and I do. When people are unhappy they tend to look past the love in front of them and seek it elsewhere, I do understand this, although I don’t agree with the principle. I believe talking cures all, be it good or bad, when we talk things happen, when we don’t talk bad things happen. So I hope talking starts soon, I am nobody’s fool, not even the one woman in my life I would be a fool for, I won’t be a convenient bank for nobody apart from my kids
Eminem Sing for the Moment – Lyrics
Via hahaudied7 on You Tube
At this time of the year I see images of my family having fun and it kills me, it’s a knife through the heart. I get angry with Fibro but I only get angry with myself and that is pointless. So do we give up? HELL NO. The last thing I would do is give the people who would like to see me fall, actually fall, I fight against the people who wish to see me down and beat up. There are not many, certain people should know better. The silence and cowardly acts say it all for me. People saying things to my friends who do tell me. Cowards who would fill their underwear should I stand before them. People who believe you can sit in safety behind a keyboard, annoy people like, say? Me and my friends, maybe family. That Cowards day is coming unless they understand the rule of life in Scotland
I have family and friends, some of my friends are hardened lads who keep me going forward, kick my back side when it needs kicked and I thank them for it, without it I would spiral into deep depression and this wouldn’t be a blog, it would be the last letter I ever write. I refuse to give these sad people the smile on their faces they so need from me. I will beat you, I will outlast you and I may even be behind you one day when you turn around, I truly hope you are understanding my language here because I hate trouble, I am too old and sore to care, but I won’t be a fool for anyone, yeah, I made this clear I hope
Anyone to even tries to put a wedge between me and my girls will lose badly. I hope the right person reads this. I know this is a News Page on Ace News but this is news, it’s my news, it’s news I share with hundreds more, many are going through family and friend issues, so I share mine so people know they ain’t alone, people think I share too much, truly I have not. Fibro and it’s medication is a reality that makes you question so we must be sure before we get angry that we are onto the right reality. The old Shaun who did the bad stuff 19 years ago is always on my shoulder telling me if I return to my old ways the pain will leave me, after all the pain arrived the day I promised to behave, truly it did, it tempts me like the drugs I take to help my pain, it taunts me like a person hating you. I refuse to go back, but rest assured, should I go back I won’t be back here. I don’t think I can do this however, them two Princess’s above make me go on. I can’t let them down, I can’t give in to hatred of people who laugh at my ill’s. But then again I do have a phone. I write this to stop me doing the stupid thing here. So it’s off my shoulders and I smile and move forward. The old Shaun must remain silent, he can’t be allowed to run me….
…I can’t do that
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