When you sit and try to define your purpose on this Earth when you ask who and what you are, we all do this. The irony is many will dismiss that they do this, so go look at that image above again, see it? When you are in a state of TOTAL feeling, at one with yourself and life and the universe, you care. When you care you hurt more, it comes with the packaging. I see so many people afraid to ‘Feel’ because they refuse to take on the burden that comes with it, that would be hurt or loss, whatever, you know? People refusing to go the full way and be true to themselves in fear they might get too close to something. I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of dying now and leaving my partner too soon. To get to that way of thinking an ‘Event’ must happen. For me the event happened in childhood and guides me now as an adult, in reality it is amazing, many call it God, I just call it amazing, superb, a blessing, lucky and other such words. When I say this to a friend who knows I live in utter agony they say “How can this be, you are Disabled and in pain” To get something we must first lose something. It can be the death of a person, the death of a habit, to forget someone or something, whatever it is, you need to lose before you feel what many like me do and see our World for what it really is, it’s a total hell hole in every sense of the word, but we do as individuals show and see act’s of love and kindness from others, but to gain we lose first, we must lose to get, for me it’s THAT SIMPLE, I was lost for a long time, it was lonely and hard, but all the time my partner and 2 sons were there, now here I am, smiling, happier than I have ever been, why? Because I lose BADLY. So not much else to lose here, so I love what I have and understand that, the pain will do what it will, so I choose life
Song made from the an Irvine Welsh book, then the movie Trainspotting For those outside the UK who don’t know this Movie
Part 1 – The beginning
Part 2 – The end…. Both filmed in my City, Edinburgh, Scotland
We all deny our own existence, many of us are wide awake and watching, listening and learning, I am one of these guys. I had a friends, 17 years a friend may I add, she is from Columbus Ohio in the US of A. She said “Shaun has changed” She wasn’t being nasty or rude, far from it. But I felt in an instant ‘Friends don’t do this’ What this is, is she stopped being my friend. When I got my (YES, YES I AM TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, THIS IS MY PAGE, I WRITE THIS IS OFTEN WHAT I DO, NOT ALWAYS) 😀 Sorry I had to get that out the way. Anyway, when I got my Disability, Chronic Pain Syndrome, it then upgraded to the ‘Devils Disease’ Fibromyalgia it took things from me, abilities to do things, loss of many things I would before do, friends, family, respect, love, it gives sufferers the attributes and feelings of Motor Neuron Disease and Parkinson’s Disease I could go on. But I am a great believer in Karma. As I sit here now I would say 80% of my immediate family don’t think I am disabled, the 20% would be my Partner, two sons and closest friends. Not one family member is ‘cool’ with Fibromyalgia at all, they say like my friend in the USA did “Shaun has changed” And it gets boring and you do smile after a while, but you learn to surround yourself with people who don’t talk about it and you just have fun with, my partner, sons, close friends and a few on-line also. It is ‘Normal’ I have friends from School, these guys are all super cool, they mock my disability, so it’s all good, I wouldn’t have it any other way. To one mate I am ‘limpy’ for example 😀 This is how I want my disability to be, sadly around certain people it is near impossible because THEY have the problem you see?
Some of my friends are people I done football with, coaches, players, players families, kids families, for 15 years till I had to stop 5 years ago now, some from school, guys I knew inside out, guys I held hands with at funerals of their parents, friends who are in-fact blood, people who you treat as blood, like Family. These people I know and they know me. When the Disability hit most were all “Oh Shaun I am sorry” I was like “Don’t you dare, no sympathy’ and it was never mentioned again. They all get it now 100%. I can’t make plans with a good mate who is a chef for example, we are REAL good mates, very close, as close as a brother should be. When I cancel they are all cool. With Family no understanding at all. I am sorry I have to say this, the person who said it will read this. I was told over the phone by a family member “You are always in bed” and “You never go out” At first I was angry but them my anger turned to “They are the ones in pain, not me” So again glance at the image above quickly and read it again
See, when you lose things, and they keep going, doesn’t stop, it becomes your ‘Reality’ and you understand and respect this is the way it is. Once you get to that way of thinking you can move on, you begin to smile again and be at peace with yourself and as I say, surround yourself with people who enjoy life, people who laugh every day, people like me who demand we have fun. So I go back to what that person told me, I said above “They are the ones in pain, not me” is when I figured out the nasty hurtful words and other issues. I am 41 and I love to learn, I need to learn, I have an open mind on ALL subjects and I believe this is healthy and needed, both apply. So when I understood the other person, the person who couldn’t get why “I am always in the house” or “I am always in bed” (Neither of which are true, not that I care, I don’t judge others) I understood that they were the ones, sadly, with the problems. See I learnt not so long ago, people who attack others with words, words the target won’t hear, mock or joke about a person in their absence, they are the ones with deep rooted problems
The people I surround myself with are just amazing people, Partner, kids, mates, whoever but others I can’t figure out, so I stopped. I realized they were figuring me out, or trying to figure me out so I gave in, if a person can’t figure a person out or doesn’t get a certain person I say sever the ties, walk away, stop trying to 2nd guess when you ARE wrong about people. Why spend time and brain power and time trying to figure a person out? 😀 How sad is that? I leave a smile because I have only very recently figured this out. I take the smile back and feel sad for these people. Not many, really, a handful. My parter will say “I don’t and can’t feel your pain or understand your mind especially on medication, BUT I AM HERE AND I LOVE YOU” that is all I needed to hear from the woman I love. She judges nobody, in our 25 years knowing each other as kids, primary school kids to now as adults late 30’s and 40 ish I have never once heard her say 1 (ONE) bad word about another. So ‘Surround yourself with the right people’ comes into play, I am around a goddess in every sense of the word, make no mistake I am the luckiest lad this side of Mars for managing to convince my partner to spend the rest of her life with me, so for that, I am blessed, happy, relieved! and in love. When all is said and done, this blog was fun, it made me smile because I demand I smile, to be the opposite is to not live, so easy choice right? Well not really, I know people who have killed themselves who have what I have, I know people talking about, people who have tried to take their life, people who were laughing one day and dead the next, some hide away from the world, I guess I hide away from MY world, the world I was born into, but I keep hold of the world I created for myself, anyone is welcome in, just knock the door, I will put the kettle on 😀 My partner loves me medicated or not, people actually judge me for being on Dr’s prescribed medication and to top it off most of the people who judge take illegal drugs and get drunk and fight and cause trouble where ‘Sociably Acceptable’ alcohol is allowed to roam free and destroy people, can you feel the Irony? I do, it hurts, wait! I hurt anyway!
So look one final time at the image above. Makes sense now right? I have defined a meaning to it’s fullest, words from the Dalai Lama, and that’s hard to do right? Some of us can ‘Feel everything so deeply’ We are the ones who hurt the most, who take bad news the worst, we are the ones when say? one of our kids move out takes it hardest. It comes with the territory. To be at total one with yourself, to understand you in any shape, form, health whatever is hard to do. But once you can see it clearly it opens up amazing things in your mind. The pain sucks for sure, the medication sadly is enjoyable as it takes the pain away. I am ready for almost anything, I can take almost anything and I can understand almost everything and I now understand other people, I see them clearly now, lost, pretending to be what they are not, not on purpose, it’s just their ways and I respect others ways. I guess what I am saying is, I respect YOU for what you are, even if I have no time for you or I don’t like you, whatever, I respect you. Respect me back please. So this is for all my friends I lost, who are lost, this is for the people like me who are defined by the images I added. I never ask for sympathy, I would however like certain family members to just walk into my home and say “How you doing today you fragile fool” 1st of January and look what I did, I will leave you with the image of how 2014 ended and how 2015 started, and I wouldn’t have it ANY other way, these are battle wounds, I look at all my bumps and bruises as that, my prize for daring to live for daring to laugh and have fun in life. My new years resolution is to sort my sleeping pattern out, I will try but I am not holding my breath, for long anyway…. Happy New Year 😉
Now go have one last glance at that image at the very top and see if you understand it now 😉
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