I am not asking for ANYTHING here other than love, friendship and to understand AND HELP ME get past something. I am still blogging on my page, but it’s just for my eyes as it’s closed, and for the 3 people (Publicists) wanting to write my life story. I am fighting a lot here friends, so this is how I feel today.
Hope you are all ok. I am like you, just trying to be ok. I am awake and aware, I lost people, loved ones and friends. Today I am seeking a path to reconnect, as I am, with the CORRECT people I need in my life.
I took the EASY PATH aged 25 when the Government signed me off work for life. I took the money and the drugs, I was weak, I was wrong. Today I am aware and I want to fix this fucking pantomime. So I would love to know who is rooting for me, and who doesn’t give a shit. I am sending this to 300 people (Please if you reply, DON’T HIT ‘REPLY ALL’ as someone did, sorry about that, lol) I need to know who will be around when I am ready to be normal again, have fun. But I can’t forget or lose sight (As Dawn tells me) that I did help 2 wee boys grow up and I am going to be a Granddad TWICE as both Dean and Ryan are to be Dads, amazing times coming and I must be ready for it, I must be ready for them. I have to be better for Dawn and I am at least aware I am trying for her. But the big part is my 2 little girls, they need to see a MAN, not a fool. My Dad helps me always, my Mum gives me good advice. Sadly and pathetically I am still that wee boy stuck watching 1 man try to kill a woman’s heart and soul, but now I am awake, I need to let that wee boy go and be a man for the people above. It’s that simple. PS: Forward this to someone you think may want to see it…Please?
One day you might need help, we ALL do. So don’t presume I am playing the victim, I am trying to free myself to help others. Life is that simple, the centre of the World can be ANYTHWHERE we choose.
My reasons, my fight…
Gym Report – Battling the demons of my past
I can say I am half the man I am today in terms of bulk or size, but each passing day brings new questions and less answers. The oppressive nature of what I am doing to myself is REALLY hitting home right now. See to be a better version of yourself, you must also understand and see the barriers between your own soul and true happiness or as close to ‘Nirvana’ as could be possible, because I am aiming for ‘Clarity of mind’ and I remember I even wrote about it way back in November 20th 2014 called ‘Finding Nirvana’, back then my mind that was full of awful drugs and I was a legal junkie, was SCREAMING to the World. Back then I was aware I had to do what I am doing today to get to where my kids, my partner, loved ones and friends need me to be, and of course for me a little
When I am in agony or sore, even just done with the Gym, showered and on my bed with a pain I can’t describe I play music, close my eyes and pretend I am signing it to my family or loved ones. Silly, I know, but it’s a process of control I am battling right now. When I can close my eyes and listen to a song FULLY and act out in my mind to the last words of the song PERFECTLY in my mind where I am the real singer, is control. Often the battle is plugging the headset or ear buds in, putting them in or over my ears, closing my eyes, trying to sing the song to my loved ones, in my mind, I am lately seeing ‘Mid-performance, that I am being distracted with Ghosts from my past. I am laying there, I am KILLING the song brilliantly to my family in my minds imagination, then bad thoughts happen, someone gets up and tries to hit me, or I freeze and can’t sing. Sometimes in my imagination of trying to control my mind I am being stopped by a force I am yet able to see, so I can fix it. Something is stopping me having a free mind sometimes, not all the time, but it is there.
So is it my 3 Disables? Is it my 3 Medications (One is VERY strong) or is it MYSELF? Trying to go into the Gym every day is now impossible so I can’t and don’t. I miss maybe 2 days a week now due to sleep or I just can’t do the Gym. When I can do the Gym I do it as close to bed time as possible because usually the pain after the Gym knocks me out cold. When I do the Gym early in the day, that day is the battle, till the next day. I am living in moments, days are lasting weeks and hours are lasting a lifetime. What I am seeing here is a pattern of delay almost; it’s like LIFE IS HOLDING ME BACK. I am off the strong medication, I am no longer a ‘Dr’s Heroin Patient’ by choice of course, I am now as open minded as I can be and I am FEELING life pull me back. I am CERTAIN what is pulling me back is myself. I don’t think it’s an evil force or God or anything spiritual at this stage, but there are spiritual implications in my cause for sure.
I am battling myself today, and I WILL WIN. But it is taking so much longer than I thought it would. The song I love to close my eyes, whilst in pain and in my mind sing it start to end is below. Often I can do it, I won, I OWNED MY VERY SOUL AND MIND. But when I can’t do it, when the bad memories enter my mind, what is that? That is what I will be telling the next time I write here. I am keeping a written journal with my Partners help, along with images of good and bad moments. So this is an ‘Evolving story’ and only 1 person can write it in their mind before telling it, and that person is me. This is priceless to my mind in understanding, but killing me often. I will get there or die trying. I REFUSE to be ‘That disabled fat Guy’ Society will point to and call a LIAR. I am going to show society Disabled is not the image below and Disabled people CAN FUCKING LIVE NORMALLY whist being something else to others, be it from the sufferer or the person pointing. This sign below DOES NOT DO ‘BEING DISABLED’ JUSTICE. People don’t see a VISIBLE wheelchair or illness so they say ‘LIAR’ and I am going to prove to the World many things soon, but the 1st one is this vile image below that EVERY Disabled person, in a Wheelchair or not is battling. This image below needs redefined and redone. I don’t have an image but for now all I can say is the image below DOES NOT REPRESENT BEING DISABLED.
Till next time mate
Over and out
[LYRICS] Matt Cardle – Amazing