Taboo: Pain, Love, Cowards, Hate and the Festive Period


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By @ShaunyGibson – Used to be @ ShaunyNews

When an artist has a stage to speak to thousands of people they often use it well, I am lucky enough to have such a stage to share my art. Writing is an art and so is music, so read on. I am sitting at 3am here after 5 days of early bed and up early to being up all night on my own. Fibro is killing me. My skin is burning, my ankles and hips feel broken, my back feels snapped, back of my neck and shoulders are gone I can’t turn my head. I can’t type a lot, need to stop typing. Volterol Gel and I have a relationship but I don’t think I will meet its parents over Christmas.

Funny I say that there are a few families I didn’t and won’t see over Christmas. Does it hurt? Not at all, I am used to it. I changed when Fibro changed me. The images I have added to this article were not done by me, I don’t know who to give credit to but they are telling the story I try and tell, same as the song below

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Why?

I live an existence of loneliness. I have no need to feel lonely but Fibro makes my rules also the rules of anyone with Fibro. At this time of the year the last thing people with a Chronic Illness need is stress. See stress makes me angry and makes me sore. See the Shaun everyone knew when I was 25/30 years old is gone and put in his place is a man lost in a World where getting lost is real hard, I say that because often I want to vanish for a time, maybe be a fly on a wall somewhere. I smell rats very easy, I guess when we lose one sense we are given another, just something I have noticed on my travels as I get older

Often I think about just getting in my car and seeing what else life has to offer me, but I know I will come right back here to the people I love. I have not tried this ‘yet’ but I would be wasting my time right? If you read this and have Chronic pain life Fibro you will understand every word. Every word, sentence and paragraph will make sense. I am due medication so I am typing with free will. The thought of a new World scares me, the thought of dating scares me more. I have never lost in love nor asked a woman out as an adult, but something keeps asking me if I should try, anyway………..

Sadly the people we need to understand make our lives worse. They don’t mean it, in-fact they are blissfully unaware of what they do to us. I don’t hold a candle to anyone and judge it’s not my way. But are there days I feel like I want to escape this pain? Sadly yes, in a bad way, but I can’t do that, the pain would allow it in a heartbeat however so I ignore the pain. I know many who are like me, in agony, alone, sad, depressed, I am just agony with the odd visit from Sad, Alone and Depressed and have no other choices, the choice I have ends my pain and brings pain to others. We don’t get choice we get what is on offer every day. My reality on paper is good but in reality it annoys me. The dysfunctional nature of what I call family has been a constant but I am not alone, I don’t think we all need a Disability to feel the way I do. Lately I have become distant with a woman I thought I would never be distant with. She says things that hurt me, she speaks to others, surely knowing I get to hear about it and I do. When people are unhappy they tend to look past the love in front of them and seek it elsewhere, I do understand this, although I don’t agree with the principle. I believe talking cures all, be it good or bad, when we talk things happen, when we don’t talk bad things happen. So I hope talking starts soon, I am nobody’s fool, not even the one woman in my life I would be a fool for, I won’t be a convenient bank for nobody apart from my kids

Eminem Sing for the Moment – Lyrics
Via hahaudied7 on You Tube

 

At this time of the year I see images of my family having fun and it kills me, it’s a knife through the heart. I get angry with Fibro but I only get angry with myself and that is pointless. So do we give up? HELL NO. The last thing I would do is give the people who would like to see me fall, actually fall, I fight against the people who wish to see me down and beat up. There are not many, certain people should know better. The silence and cowardly acts say it all for me. People saying things to my friends who do tell me. Cowards who would fill their underwear should I stand before them. People who believe you can sit in safety behind a keyboard, annoy people like, say? Me and my friends, maybe family. That Cowards day is coming unless they understand the rule of life in Scotland

LET IT GO

LET IT GO

I have family and friends, some of my friends are hardened lads who keep me going forward, kick my back side when it needs kicked and I thank them for it, without it I would spiral into deep depression and this wouldn’t be a blog, it would be the last letter I ever write. I refuse to give these sad people the smile on their faces they so need from me. I will beat you, I will outlast you and I may even be behind you one day when you turn around, I truly hope you are understanding my language here because I hate trouble, I am too old and sore to care, but I won’t be a fool for anyone, yeah, I made this clear I hope

My reason for fighting on. Want to challenge me and them 2? Come, bring it, don't be no coward

My reason for fighting on. Want to challenge me and them 2? Come, bring it, don’t be no coward

Anyone to even tries to put a wedge between me and my girls will lose badly. I hope the right person reads this. I know this is a News Page on Ace News but this is news, it’s my news, it’s news I share with hundreds more, many are going through family and friend issues, so I share mine so people know they ain’t alone, people think I share too much, truly I have not. Fibro and it’s medication is a reality that makes you question so we must be sure before we get angry that we are onto the right reality. The old Shaun who did the bad stuff 19 years ago is always on my shoulder telling me if I return to my old ways the pain will leave me, after all the pain arrived the day I promised to behave, truly it did, it tempts me like the drugs I take to help my pain, it taunts me like a person hating you. I refuse to go back, but rest assured, should I go back I won’t be back here. I don’t think I can do this however, them two Princess’s above make me go on. I can’t let them down, I can’t give in to hatred of people who laugh at my ill’s. But then again I do have a phone. I write this to stop me doing the stupid thing here. So it’s off my shoulders and I smile and move forward. The old Shaun must remain silent, he can’t be allowed to run me….

…I can’t do that

~~
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~~

Are our brains like computers with a ‘Recycle Bin’?


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By @ShaunyGibson – Used to be @ ShaunyNews

ok, stick with me here reader. I have just slept 31 hours after being awake for 29, this is the Causality of Fibromyalgia, there is NOTHING I can do to change it. When asleep I go past R.M Sleep And into a deeper state of sleep that science has told me is called ‘Paralysed sleep’ it means my dreams are so real my body could act out what I am dreaming, it’s way past sleep walking, so much deeper. When you see someone sleeping and their eyes are moving this is  as close to what I am trying to explain is. When we sleep and our eyes are moving madly we are in DEEP RM Sleep. I go to a place deeper than even my Dr or Pain team can understand. I have had it most of my life and when I am asleep I am not in agony, so I like to sleep, but not too much I want to see my family.

This is very hard to type but each time I sleep for these periods of time, 30+ hours I feel like I have been somewhere for a day, I feel like the dream was so real then I ask is what I am doing right now, typing on my PC with music hammering through my head on my Sennheiser headset any more real or unreal? Awake can be as real as asleep to me. Something that started as a kid. It confused me but I always spoke to one person about this, to this day I still speak to that person, my dad. He understands, if he isn’t understanding he will listen anyway. I say “When I am asleep it’s like I leave earth on a voyage into space” He says “I understand”

So what is this? What is knocking me out for 35 hours sometimes. I sleep so deep I can have both my Daughters jumping on me, my sons shaking me or Dawn playing loud music inches from my ear and I don’t bat an eyelid, I am too deep in sleep to be part of the living here. When I do awake for 20/30 minutes I think I am dreaming because the dream was so real

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I just awoke to a dreams of memories from my childhood, they were as vivid to me then as this is now. I remembered things my brain in an awake state could not. So I am asking, are our brains like a computer in a bigger sense than Science will have us believe. Where do these old memories awaked Shaun can see? Are they stored in some Recycle bin of info that never gets deleted?

 

 

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These four types of brain waves, and others discussed below, are important criteria that have been used to define four distinct stages of non-REM sleep. Obviously, falling into a deeper and deeper sleep as the night progresses is actually a gradual, continuous process, but these four stages still provide a convenient means of describing the relative depth of non-REM sleep.

Stage 1 non-REM sleep begins when you first lie down and close your eyes. After a few sudden, sharp muscle contractions in the legs, the muscles relax. Then, as you continue falling asleep, the rapid beta waves of wakefulness are replaced by the slower alpha waves of someone who is relaxed with their eyes closed. Soon, the even slower theta waves begin to emerge.

Though your reactions to stimuli from the outside world diminish, Stage 1 is still the phase of sleep from which it is easiest to wake someone up. In experiments where people are awakened from Stage 1 sleep and asked about their state of consciousness, they usually report that they had just fallen asleep or had been in the process of doing so. They also often report having had stray thoughts and short dreams. Each period of Stage 1 sleep generally lasts 3 to 12 minutes,

Stage 2 non-REM sleep is a stage of light sleep in which the frequency of the EEG trace decreases further while its amplitude increases. The theta waves characteristic of Stage 2 sleep are interrupted by occasional series of high-frequency waves known as sleep spindles. These bursts of activity have a frequency of 8 to 14 Hz and an amplitude of 50 to 150 µV. Sleep spindles generally last 1 to 2 seconds. They are generated by interactions between thalamic and cortical neurons.

During Stage 2 sleep, the EEG trace may also show a fast, high-amplitude wave form called a K-complex. The K-complex seems to be associated with brief awakenings, often in response to external stimuli.

People in Stage 2 sleep are unlikely to react to a light or a noise, unless it is extremely bright or loud. It is still possible to awaken them, even if they then report that they were really sleeping during the 10 to 20 minutes that this stage lasts during the earliest of the night’s sleep cycles. But because people go through Stage 2 sleep several times during the cycles in a night, this is the stage in which adults spend the greatest proportion of their sleep–nearly 50% of the total time that they sleep each night.

Stage 3 non-REM sleep marks the passage from moderately to truly deep sleep. Delta waves appear and soon account for nearly half of the waves in the EEG trace. Sleep spindles and K-complexes still occur, but less often than in Stage 2. The greater activity observed in the electro-oculogram (EOG) trace during stages 3 and 4 reflects the greater amplitude of EEG activity in the prefrontal areas, rather than movements of the eyes.Stage 3 lasts about 10 minutes during the first sleep cycle of the night but accounts for only about 7% of a total night’s sleep. During Stage 3, the muscles still have some tonus, and sleepers show very little response to external stimuli unless they are very strong or have a special personal meaning (for example, when someone calls your name, or when a baby cries within earshot of its mother).
Stage 4 non-REM sleep is the deepest, the one in which we sleep the most soundly. The EEG trace is dominated by delta waves, and overall neuronal activity is at its lowest. The brain’s temperature is also at its lowest, and breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure are all reduced under the influence of theparasympathetic nervous system.In adults, Stage 4 lasts about 35 to 40 minutes during the first sleep cycle of the night; it accounts for 15 to 20% of total sleep time in young adults. The muscles still have their tonus, and some movements of the arms, legs, and trunk are possible. This is the stage of sleep that accomplishes most of the body’s repair work and from which it is most difficult to wake someone up. This is also the stage of sleep in which children may have episodes of somnambulism (sleepwalking) and night terrors.

 

 

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The Human brain, like the wires inside a computer

 

Human-Brain

I know most of this people will read and think “Who is this nut job” But writing isn’t just about news or views it’s about life also. I see a World scared to talk, scared to open up, terrified that the World will see the truth and or know the real them. I say this is a great pity. For me I ask is the awakened World, this one, any less or real than the dream world many of us can reach?

I have put myself forward for RM Sleep dream programmes and hope to do them soon. It means staying in Hospital for a few days but I truly want to understand the difference between the real and unreal. I guess my whole life has been a quest for knowledge. Now disabled and at the mercy of Medication it would be easy to say “Shaun you are on Medication” Well my Medication wears off 10 hours into my sleep, so the next 20+ hours of sleep are real and pure and for me true and real. I was born 3 months premature in 1973, I had several accidents with electricity. I just dreamt them! I must have been 3 years old and I stuck a knife into the wall socket, knife broken, Shaun ok. I stuck a knife into a toaster, Shaun 1-0 Toaster. I was fine. I was pushed down 10/15 marble stairs by Bruce the Great Dane dog we had, I was fine. My Mum was running with me in the buggy, she hit the curb and I went flying head first into concrete, I am positive my Mum told me this story and she had tied me in. So many times I should have been dead or injured yet I was fine. So is this why I am in pain today? I need to know. I also have an unreal thirst for Religion the Bible and God, I believe in God but the rest I can’t. 20 years ago had I said that out loud it would have got a laugh, today I don’t care, and for me that is the trick of living, STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK! The past is the past and we do go there, it’s human nature. What I am going through I have a few friends who go through similar or have went through it. I can testify to one thing, I have my mind, it is mind, I love my family and don’t care what people think 🙂 It’s a great place to be. It is like being free from society and it rules, try it

I can’t explain it this any better

Shaun

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~~

When we place ourselves in a private bubble, we turn to love


Some place themselves in a private space

Some place themselves in a private space

 By @ShaunyGibson – Used to be @ ShaunyNews

Ths is an old blog I needed to share with a friend. It is from March 5th 2012, odd how I was thinking in that moment looking back
http://shaunynews.com/2013/03/05/when-we-place-ourself-in-a-private-bubble-from-life/

When it became clear to me all these years ago I had Chronic Pain and other stuff wrong with me, I did not think it would impact my life the way it has. When I was told, I was still working and still active as a football coach and manager (Soccer for anyone in the USA)

Then the pain came, and the pride took a mauling. I wasn’t the same me, I had become someone I didn’t like, I had to learn to like myself all over again, and it was the hardest thing I have done, and to some extent, still doing

I speak to many people in pain, and just by listening I am helping them, and sometimes when you really listen you can tell that the person’s life is not what it once was. There is the argument, and this, again, is where my guilt comes from, when I realise somewhere, people are worse than me, people are dying, and live in a worse place than I do. But I have to remind myself this is my life, my story I am writing about, and I do it to help both other people and myself

I am blessed with my home, my kids, my partner, and my close family who I miss terribly. I say miss terribly, because when the pain came I placed myself in an imaginary bubble, where I was safe. And this is common for people to do. I stopped visiting people and made up excuses when people wanted to visit me. This is normal behaviour, and I cry a lot knowing I want to be with loved ones more. I am missing life due to the pain, and the bubble I am in, so I must fight! I must, in my late 30’s break away from it before I am stuck for good, but I am sure too many people care for me and love me for them to allow me to do this

Somewhere in my subconscious I know I had or have to change this. I harbour ideas of getting back into Football management, and then my head drops as I know it will hurt. So I have a decision to make, do I stay in this bubble in pain, or do I get back out there and face the word, and be in a bit more pain. The answer is very easy, but doing it is not. I have tried so many times to break the bubble, close the door on the bubble, only to step back inside when my pride got dented for whatever reason.

When I see people I have not seen for say 10 years, they think I am the same Shaun, and I am, but they don’t know the pain, they don’t know how the pain hurts just me, but the people around me. My family love me and I am blessed in knowing this, just typing it brought a smile to my face. Long story, something happened today, with a family member that made me smile

So we all have a bubble, some stay in it for a short time, some longer, some never escape it.  I know many people who suffer depression do this, they have another word for it, they just “Hide away from the world” I call it “In my bubble” So when I speak to people who do likewise, we help each other.

A girl I know just helped me, a small act of individual kindness from a woman I love. What she just did made my day and put a smile on my face and I can’t thank her enough. So even today, both the girl I am speaking about and I learnt something. And that is what living is, learning to cope, and learning what is happening when you step out of the bubble, or allow someone into your bubble. The people in my house get in my bubble, not many others do. A girl I know just entered it

For anyone living in a bubble, or hiding from the world, know it does not have to be this way, you can show your face, you can go out, you are brave enough and you can do it. Why do I know this? I know this because every time I blog, or share, I open my private bubble to the planet. So anyone who does a blog and hides from the world, you are not alone to the world, you are asking strangers to enter your world.

I hope people understand what I am talking about here, for me it is very personal

More Love, less hate

Shaun

I dedicate this to a young woman I love more than she knows 🙂

My heart and soul, my reason for being

My heart and soul, my reason for being

My heart and soul, my reason for being

~~
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~~

Podcast/Audio on Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain


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I stopped my last blog 5 months ago and started ShaunNews because I was talking about pain far too much. People in my Family and Friends didn’t want to know, so I stopped and to be fair it helped. Only very often will I rant here or Facebook or wherever. I think it’s vital we live and very important we don’t deny our pain. Fight and live.

Podcast/Audio on Fibromyalgia

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Fibromyalgia Documentary Sneak Peek – Living in agony, my story


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As I seek to free my mind and body from the hell that is Fibromyalgia, I often stumble across people who ‘claim’ to know of treatments. Some sit around stones, some pray to God, some say eating habits, some say they have ways. I have tried them all. I am yet to find relief. There is no calendar date with Fibro, we are not told “You have a year to live” Many of us want to hear that. I know that sounds awful but when you burn in pain 24/7 what else are we to think? I speak to hundreds of other Fibro sufferers, I am part of many groups where we talk about things that help. For me Music helps a little, I sit with my headphones on and allow the Music to change my mind. The Central Nervous System then sends out different signals. But it is a very short term thing. Last night I had to go to bed at 7pm in tears as the pain was unbearable, I crawl sometimes. When I am around loved ones or friends I have to pretend and that hurts. People I used to visit I now don’t and they never get why. I can try and tell people but it is impossible. I don’t blame you or anyone for thinking I whine over nothing, I would think the same if roles were reversed. I know pain, I understand pain, I live in pain, there is no let-up, it NEVER stops. I am 41 years old and I have had this they think (Pain team and Dr’s) since I was a kid. When I hit my mid 30’s it hit me like a car. The pain before was brutal, the pain now makes me want to end it. I WON’T EVER DO THAT. But I am only human right? I can’t comprehend a life with no pain. I am lucky that although I have Fibro Brain Fog and it can make me lost a word or forget what I was saying. When I am with people not in my house and I lose track it can be devastating, so I stay away from people in-case that happens. The pain kills me. I have two wonderful sons who help and two sweet Daughters who ask me questions now. “Daddy, why are you sore” I answer “Daddy hurt his leg playing football” And they skip away happy. But I crumble inside. I didn’t want to give Dawn this life (My Partner) But she is my rock, she saved me from myself and every day she smiles and loves life and this helps me. There is a documentary coming out and I will share it here when it’s out, but for all sufferers here is a clip. For family who wonder also even 

None of us with Fibro want sympathy, in-fact we hate that, we just want understanding. I had a family member, a sister, tell me on Facebook in full view of everyone to man up and stop moaning. Yeah I lost a Sister that day. She has her own issues, so I understand, but she doesn’t cry everyday with a pain that is like being burn alive or all over toothache, that is the best I can do to describe my hell. I make sure I have good moments. I demand I do. I play with my Daughters, drawing and games. But when I have to stop through pain, I don’t think there is a word I can find to tell how I feel. It strips me of all emotions and leaves me in a bubble all alone 

I hope and pray YOU never get Fibromyalgia, it is for life, there is no cure there is no getting away from it. It can be hell. Maybe it is Karma from my childhood? And being a young adult? Who knows 

More love less hate, Shaun

 

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